Love is the Drug that Makes you Smug
by Your Destructive Fever
Summary: ...'at least we know where Moonys wand is.' With RLSB...and snippets of JPLE in the backround. Remus and Sirius are dating, but well, how do they tell James? Cue Lily's help. Bets, public displays of affection and illtimed jokes ensue. Try it, yeah? R&R.
1. I Wonder Who's On Top

...okay, first chapter of first story of this account.

HP world belongs to JKR and all that jazz.

There will be slash in the chapters to come! Review maybe?

* * *

"That Evans bird keeps looking over here." announced Sirius as James pounced down to the common room floor beside him and Remus. Remus had, (as usual), his nose engrossed in the middle of a book and paid the other boys little attention except for a rolling of his eyes. His pale, lithe fingers were absentmindedly stroking the side of his current page and he was gnawing, very gently on the edge of his lower lip out of sheer habit. He was sitting shoulder to shoulder next to Sirius, (well, slouching in Blacks case), and they were both leaning against the base of a rumpled couch, their legs outstretched towards the dim fire. Together, they provided complete contrasts, on dark and sultry, lazing but looking graceful while doing it, the other, light and rigid, carrying a mask over hidden troubles.

"You mean since I came in! She's been noticing me lately, lads. I think she loves me."

"She won't be impressed with your narcissism, James." murmured Remus keeping his eyes on his book.

"He's got a point, Prongsies. And no, I mean she's been looking over here all night...at Moony."

"Why would Lily Evans, love of my life – you know, about so high, with delicious green eyes, a wicked smile, and the hair, not to mention some other nice bits – be looking at Moony?" snorted James, all the while gesturing emphatically and getting that dreamy look about him, the one only that sort of romantic and lustful feelings tend to conjure up.

"Maybe she fancies him."

"What!" roared James, with an incredulous glare at Sirius and a wary, suspicious one to both Remus and Lily, "why on earth would you think that! She couldn't, she wouldn't fanc-" he started, before Remus interjected without so much as one glance away from his book.

"Must I remind you that I am sitting right here and I can shockingly enough, hear everything you say. James shut up before you insult me and Sirius stop thinking up ridiculous notions to torture James and entertain your twisted mind."

"Why is _that_ a ridiculous notion? I mean, don't take this the wrong way mate, but you're considered quite a catch, you've got your own little fan club of...well, eh, fans."

"Right and if you close one eyes, squint with the other, hold a pane of dark glass in front of yourself and gouge out whatever miserable vision you have left, I might start to look appealing. It's quite remarkable actually, almost as if I'm not covered in scars."

"Oh, hush up, fool." quirked Sirius, "we all know, that you know, that we know you're a handsome, dashing and suave young buck, so just because it's nearing your time of the month don't expect us to bulk out your wolfy ego."

"Have you been reading my dictionary again? That's was a lot of words for you, especially put together in one sentence."

"Moony's right, Pads. And that whole, you know that we know, that you know that fuck all knows thing went right over my head."

"Just like the snitch last game." snickered Sirius, tauntingly, "and I'll have you know, that I know, that you know I'm too smart for dictionaries."

"Oi! It wasn't my bloody fault; you're the one who flung that bludger at my head!"

"Who me?" replied Sirius, using his inherent puppy dog eyes and innocent smile to his advantage, "oh and Prongs, Evan's is on her way over here...probably wants to snog Moony senseless, right here and right now."

"...oh, Merlin! What will I say!" mouthed James in a frantic whisper which Sirius indulgently ignored as he nodded his hellos to Lily and Remus got started with the usual 'how're you?' pleasantries.

"Remus? Can we talk, somewhere, uh private?"

"Sure, Lily. ...what's up?"

"Private." Lily stated, inclining her head towards the common rooms portrait exit before turning to walk that way and leaving Remus to follow as soon as he said his goodbyes to the others.

"I wonder what they're talking about."

"Oh, Prongs. Poor misguided, Prongsiekins," teased Sirius, "they're probably not doing much talking, so don't worry. They more then likely just got straight down to the wild naked sex."

"Not funny."

"I just hope they're using the proper protection spells."

"It's not happening."

"Don't be so naïve, James. They're young, they have hormones, and they have needs."

"Urrrrrrggggghhh."

"That Evans is a loose woman, you can see it in her eyes."

"Stop it! Sirius, if you have a shred of bloody decency, stop!"

"Hey at least be glad that I have a shred of clothing on. 'Coz I can think of one wolf and one red-head that probably don't right about now."

"I hate you."

"I wonder who's on top..."

"...I think I'm going to throw up."

"I mean Evans is feisty, but Remus...phwoarr! Is he an animal in the sack."

"If I had my wand, I'd avada kedavra you, right now."

"At least we all know where Moonys' wand is, and we know who's looking after it, too."

"...okay, James, strangling me could be considered anti-social behaviour."


	2. Lilys Obviously Unrequited Advances

**Eeeepsies. Sorry the update took so long, I've had it written and stuff, I've just been too busy to fanfictorise it. And it's not exactly like my chappies are remarkably long. Anyways, next one should be up in a few days, reviews please? - ...and I know it might appear like I havn't exactly got much of a plot going on yet, (because I havn't), but one will establish it's wee self soon.**

"Lily...Lily, stop I can't!"

"Why not!" replied Lily, incredulously, "it's not like I'm some giggling dolt, we get along, we're friends...and we, we...we read the same books!"

"Yes...but, I don't, I can't, Lily...just please."

"If this is because of Potter, you do realise I will have no reluctance in relieving you of your manhood."

At this, Remus failed in his attempts to suppress a small smirk.

"Oh, Merlin! That sounds...Look, I'll castrate you, okay?"

"Please don't. And, it's not because of James. ...well, not all because of James. I'm just..." and with a sigh, Remus continued, "I'm just not good for you and...oh, please just leave it."

But the tenacious, ferocious, (all other such words ending with –cious), red-head, never being one to just 'leave it' reached out with one hand to grab his and the other hand she let caress his face, running her fingers over his cheek. Ignoring his exasperated sigh, she buckled all her Gryffindor courage she soon fumbled her lips onto his. Well, at least until he leaped apart from her, spluttering and choking all the while.

"Lily! What was that?" he squeaked, in shock and undisguised horror.

"A kiss, Remus," Lily said plaintively and quietly, with anguished desperation at his reaction.

"I didn't mean it like that! ...I mean, why?"

"Havn't we been through this before. I fancy you, alright," Lily sighed, the blood rising to her cheeks presenting a deep red blush fit to compete with her hair colour, "and I just thought for one brief insane moment, that you might've liked me too."

"But, Lils..." murmured Remus, the empathic guilt, evident in his face.

"But nothing...you don't. At least I know that now. Though, what's all that you're not good for me rubbish? I mean, if you're not good for me, who is?"

"It's not that simple." replied Remus, thinking James, "I'm...well, I'm, eh."

"A werewolf. I know and I don't care."

"No, not that," said Remus, realisation biding it's time to sink in. "Wait! WHAT! How could you know! How did you find out! Lily, Lily, please don't hate me. Please don't tell. ...oh, merlin...Lily."

Remus's hands began to shake and his face was a picture of unmasked horror, fear and shame, the expression in his eyes, both chilling and heart-wrenching. And Lily, try as she might to placate him with attempts at hugs was unnerved as Remus inched away from her, throwing nervous looks all around with each and every movement. As if, searching for people hidden in the dark corners, waiting for a chance to hurt him.

"Remus, calm down. Look, I figured it out ages ago, no one else know, I didn't, I wouldn't tell anybody."

"...but, how?" Remus managed to stutter and stumble out.

"Oh, come off it. I'm not the brightest witch in the school for nothing."

"Modest too." said Remus, regaining his composure, "Lily, I – "

"Look, I still think of you the exact same way, you're Remus Lupin and your lycanthropy only makes me admire and respect you for your remarkable strength and courage." Lily smiled, wistfully, "it's probably why I like so much."

"Thank you." mumbled Remus, blushing lightly.

"...but, Remus?"

"Yes?"

"You said no. That, that wasn't it. That it wasn't why you wouldn't go out with me. So, I have to ask...why?"

And the blush marring Remus's cheeks suddenly deepened and as he began to speak his words all ran into each other as stuttering, he quickly spat out, "Because. Because, I'm already sort of dating somebody and I like him a lot, and we're keeping it really quiet...nobody knows and you can't tell and I'm sorry."

"Oh."

"Sorry."

"No, it's... it's okay. Wait! ...him?" Lily eyes widened.

"I meant her," he replied, his voice raised a tone or two. "Her."

"No, you didn't, you meant him."

"I did, honest. Slip of tongue, people make mistakes all the time."

"But, I've never seen you hang out with any guys other then Potter, Black and Pettigrew."

"Lily, listen it's not what I -"

"It can't possibly be Potter and I really, really doubt it's Peter...so."

"...meant, you see...I just."

"So...oh, god! You're dating Sirius Black."

"Lily!"

"I mean, wow. I'm sort of shocked but then...it makes perfect sense. I don't quite know what to say, I can't believe I didn't realise...it's so obvious. You guys are just so..." said Lily, by this stage not even acknowledging Remus.

"So what!" screeched the werewolf.

"...opposite and yet, so right. And you're so close too."

"Lily, you can't tell anybody." Remus panicked, "not a soul. No gossiping to your friends or anything."

What to you take me for? Of course I won't tell, I promise."

"You can't even mention it in passing, not to James, not anybody?"

"Ja – Potter doesn't know?"

"No."

"How can you keep that from him? How does he not notice?"

"We can't let _anybody_ know. Please, Lily?"

"Don't worry, I won't breathe a word to anybody. Well...as long as you decline from telling people how I embarrassed myself, kissed you and practically begged you to go out with me. I'm actually going to go now, things have gotten increasingly awkward. I'll take to you later, okay?

"If it's awkward for you imagine how I must be feeling...pushed out of a closet and a full moon. And, Lily?"

"Yeah?"

"Thanks."

"Don't mention it...wolfy." smiled Lily.

"Oi! Know-it-all."

"Pouf."

"Witch."

"Hey, at least I'm not the one dating Sirius Black."

"And at least I'm not in denial about fancying James Potter."

"Yeah, right." Remus rolled his eyes, and then seductively whispered, "and I'm _not _a gay werewolf. Goodbye Lily." And with that, Remus re-entered the common room and upon seeing Sirius he motioned for him to go up to the dormitory and that's where he headed himself. Deliberately ignoring James desperate questions and avoiding his fleeting gazes.


	3. Princess Sirius

**Again...sorry I took my time getting this up and sorry if I go really babbly and nonsensical throughout, I keep writing them at about two in the morning! xD! Anyways, review please! ...whatever you think of it! Criticism is always good, once it's not just trolling or sporadic flaming like, "OMG OMG der not gay!111!orz! u shud go die!" Because that my dear kittykats, is just plain daft! Anyways...sorry I'm too lazy to reply to everybodies reviews, (even though there's only nine as of yet...)!**

As Remus walked into the dormitory he shared with his three best mates, he wondered how Sirius would react to Lily knowing about _them._ He began to nervously chew on his lip and pulled down the sleeves of his robes. The dormitory was a perfect cliché of the habitat of teenaged boys. Messy and cluttered with a few odious smells in certain dark corners where even Sirius wouldn't venture into. When one not used to such an environment would enter the room one would get the sensation that they were braving the wild. Clothes were strung out everywhere and anywhere, school supplies laced the floor and beds, quidditch magazines were all over the place – coupled with the odd few 'dirty' magazines, Peters naturally as James had eyes only for Lily and Remus and Sirius...well. Remus headed over to the tidiest area of the room and sat down on his bead, watching as Sirius strutted in and sat beside him.

"Wotcher, Moons," Sirius crowed, "up for a round of heavy duty snogging then?"

"All you ever think about is snogging, isn't it?" sighed Remus, rolling his eyes with habit.

"Well you shouldn't have given me those 'I want you bad, baby!' signals. It's not my fault I got the wrong idea." grinned Sirius, "anyways, I take insult to that cheap, nasty remark of yours, it's an unfair and judgemental slur against my otherwise untarnished reputation."

"You're saying you don't always think about snogging? When do you not? ...and on a side note I think I'm definitely a good influence on you, Pads. You're getting so wordsy nowadays."

"Wordsy is not a word, Mr. Lupin. And for the record, I think of a lot things far more often then snogging."

"Oh! For example?" said Remus, a wry smile littering his mouth.

"Well, I tend to think about sex and _awful_ lot." Sirius teasingly whispered in Remus's ear, edging closer to him.

"R...r...really?"

"Uh huh. I gottat say, I definitely think about sex more then snogging...I just don't know why. Do _you_ know why, Remus?" Sirius continued seductively, tickling and tingling Remus's skin with every breath he took and word he spoke. And Remus, felt the blood rushing to his cheeks and all his senses began to numb, Sirius tentatively lowered his mouth to Remus's neck and slowly began to kiss the skin beneath his lips, gently licked and nibbling to pleasure the other boy.

"No, Sirius...oh, Merlin! Sirius...we need to, I wanted to...oh, gods! Stop, please stop so we can talk...before I don't let you."

"Alright then," said Sirius, abruptly pulling away from Remus and radically changing his attitude, "so, if it wasn't for snogging, what did you want me for?"

"Lily." Remus replied his voice hitched as he attempted to regain his composure.

"Ah yes, the redhead. Lovely girl, but not my type. More James territory what with that whole female and not Remus thing she has going for her."

"She knows."

"Knows what?" said Sirius, raising his eyebrow.

"Knows this! Knows us! Knows me! Knows almost every secret I've tried to keep."

"She knows?"

"Yes."

"About us?"

"Yes."

"And...about you?"

"Yes."

"She figured it out?"

"Yes."

"Will she tell?"

"No."

"Not anything?"

"She won't breathe a word."

"Okay."

"You're taking this a lot better then I did."

"Well, she's an open minded girl...and I guess, if James really _had_ to pick a girl, he made the right choice. I believe if she says she won't tell."

"You're not normally this rational. And you're never that nice to Lily, to her face."

"I just want to get back to what we were doing a moment ago," teased Sirius, "I'm feeling mighty playful right about now."

"Do you think we should tell James?"

"He really doesn't need to know I'm feeling playful. And talking about James is really a turn-on for me, just so you know."

"Sirius!"

"No," sighed Sirius, "I _don't_ think we should tell James, okay?"

"Why?"

" 'Coz."

"That's not a proper answer."

"..."

"How do you think he'll feel when he eventually finds out and then discovers Lily knew long before him?"

"I'm not ready to tell him."

"Why? Are you ashamed of us?"

"NO! Bugger no, Moony. I just...uh, maybe we should just let him walk in on us kissing or not use the silencing charm...or just _something_!"

"Yes, because the best way to come out of the closet to your best friend is by giving him a heart attack."

"I just don't want to _tell_ him, showing him would be easier... him figuring it out or somebody else telling him."

"...I feel guilty even thinking this but maybe...maybe we could use Lily."

"Go on," Sirius snickered.

"Maybe there's some way we could sort of trick Lily into helping him along the road to finding out...without actually _telling_ him about us. That way, James will find out without being told and he won't be pissed off because of the time he got to spend with Lily."

"And how exactly would we do that, bribe the girl!" Sirius said sarcastically, "Nice idea, Moons but how would we get to work."

"Oh, ye of little faith! We'll use you." announced Remus, proudly.

"Me!"

"Yes."

"How?"

"Just be your usual, obnoxious, charming self. Talk to her about how she knows and James doesn't. Brag to her, make her stick up for James...make a bet.

"A bet?"

"A bet... a bet on how long it will take James to find out...or something to that general idea."

"It's genius."

"And make it so she wants to beat you so badly that she'll do it by whatever means necessary."

"Like helping James find us together."

Like helping James. And of course, we'll help them both along too...just they won't know it."

"I never knew you had it in you Moony. That's just plain devious."

"Well, I have my moments."

"You definitely do...so that's sorted then, our plan of action?"

"I guess so."

"Which is to be put into action _later_. Right now we should-"

"Snog."

"Exactly. Moony old buddy, old pal. Moony, my chum, you're a diamond. You're a Prince!"

"I am a Prince aren't I?" mused Remus softly. And all Sirius could reply with was an affirmative 'mmmmm' sound as he was far too busy nuzzling against Remus and littering the werewolfs neck with kisses, his hand gliding across Remus's back and tugging down through the ends of his hair.

"Exactly, Padfoot. So may I be as bold as to order you not to trespass on my kingdom any longer, or I'll have you shot!" joked Remus.

"You shouldn't speak like that to your Princess, you know," murmured Sirius.

"Oh, for the love of Agrippa! Do we really have to have _that_ talk again? Sirius, you are a boy. You have boy bits and you do uh, boy stuff."

"Like snogging other boys with boy bits."

"Precisely. And if you are dead set on this whole, ' I'm a girl ' deal as you certainly seem to be, I can arrange for some spells to help you with the transition."

"Moony, you're a bloody genius!"

"Yes, yes...just once you know that I won't be attracted to you anymore. Shame really, we did have some good times together and I do quite like your uh, boy bits."

"Mooooooooooony!" whined Sirius, "you've given me the best idea for a prank so shut and listen to me!"

"Oh, bugger," lamented Remus, I'm supposed to be a prefect, we were just a minute away from snogging each other not only senseless but to our bittersweet demises! ...Gah. Well...out with it then."

"Now hear me out schnookums, then we can can on with the righteous snogging."

"Call me schnookums again, and I promise you, you will have one very pissy wolf on your hands come the full moon."

"Yeah, yeah, schnooks but shut up and listen"

"..."

"..."

"...I'm listening."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes," sighed Remus.

"Positive?"

"Sirius!"

"Okay...now wait for it...wait for it..."

"You know, I often like to think I'm a patient person but you bring out the worst in me. Now hurry up or I'll push you off the bed!"

"If you didn't interrupt me so much..."

And with that Remus roughly shoved Sirius off the bed and quickly covered his ears once Sirius began to yelp.

"You scream like a girl, Padders!" taunted Remus, looking down at Sirius with a mischievous glint in his light amber eyes. Sirius grinned back to Remus in reply and swiftly reached up to grab the and pull the other boy down on top of him. Within a matter of moments, the boys were tussling furiously on the ground, locked in each others fierce grip. They were so involved with trying to best one another that they didn't notice James come into the room until he began to unsubtly cough at them.

"Er...guys? Sorry to eh, interrupt but I'm hungry, me and Pete are going to raid the kitchens. You coming?"

"It's not raiding," panted Remus, trying to dislodge his arm from beneath Sirius, "the house-elves are only too happy to _give_ us food."

"But it sounds more exciting and daring and marauder like when you say raid," mentored Sirius, "we'll be with you in a second, James."

And soon, all three boys left the dormitory and began the descent down the stairs back into the common room to find Peter so they could go _raid_ the kitchens with James saying as they went, while trying, (and failing!), to appear nonchalant.

"...so...er, Remus. What exactly was it that Lily you for, eh? Did she mention me at all?..."


	4. Feisty, aren't you?

**I should be shot, hung, drawn and quartered. I'm so very sorry this update took so long. Life became a tempting and flighty distraction.**

** - Sorry about all my typos too. In this one and the others...my typing skills are all over the place. Review, please? Kthnx. **

"Oh, Evans!" said Sirius, in a rather singsong voice, "I believe we have something to talk about."

The 'Evans' in question did not look best pleases with this announcement, her face a mingled mask of fury and discontent. Fury at being distracted from her precious charms essay, discontent at the very idea of being in close contact with Mr. Black. Her expression was nothing, mind you, when compared to the shock and horror lacing James's features. ...and when Lily stood up to join Sirius, many witnesses swore they saw James' jaw literally hit the ground. Few, however, noticed Remus Lupin, (who was of course sitting beside him), grip James's shoulder as if to prevent him from attacking Sirius on the spot. Naturally, James then decided it might be better to leave Sirius be. ...well, all that werewolf strength _technically_ made the decision for him, but never mind.

James's mind was racing. After all, just yesterday Lily wanted to talk to Remus privately and today, today she willingly, (albeit grudgingly), followed Sirius to a secluded corner of the common room.

Elsewhere, as in, directly across the room, Lily was badgering Sirius for, as she put it, 'publicly accosting and destroying her.'

"Destroy you!" Sirius smirked, "how did I destroy you? If anything I gave your reputation a well needed boost."

"Just get on with it, Black."

"Now, now call me Sirius, once Moony and I wed we'll be brothers in law and such rudeness will not be tolerated."

"That doesn't even make sense."

"Minor details, my dear. Nothing to worry your pretty little head about."

"Patronise me again and I'll kiss you right now. In front of James, Remus, James, the entire common room, James..." said Lily, warningly.

"Prongs was right, you are feisty."

"I'm not kidding around, Black. No doubt Remus has told you how I threw myself at him. Don't think I wouldn't do the same to you, regardless of how nauseous it will make me."

"You – _threw _– yourself," Sirius said, exaggerating every word, "at –_ my_ – Remus?"

"He's not your possession, Black. But yes, I did," Lily said fiercely, but with a gentle pink twinge raising to her cheeks.

"Oh he's mine Lily, ALL MINE. So don't be getting any ideas. I know what you redheads are like!" teased Sirius and then laughing, he said, "I can't believe you threw yourself at Remus! I remember the first time I threw myself at him as if it were yesterday. Granted, I did throw myself at him yesterday too. He's just so –throw self at able-, isn't he?"

"Sirius."

"And he tastes so good, right?"

"Sirius!"

"Awh, ickle wee-miss Evans has a widdle crwush on the wee wolfy! ...wait. You just called me Sirius. Twice. ...this is a weird feeling. I mean if that's what you saying _my_ name does for me, imagine what James would be like if you actually called him something other then Potter. Actually no, I digress. You called him scum in defence, last week. He's been raving about it for days...I'll never understand that boy."

"If you don't stop rambling, I'm going, _Black_. So just say what you wanted to say."

"Fine, fine. But you're not very patient, are you? I was just making conversation."

In response, Lily just rolled her eyes in irritation. Sirius, noticing and welcoming this annoyance just grinned and said, "so."

"So what?" seethed Lily.

"So, you know a little secret of mine and my beaus."

"Can't you be serious for once?"

"I'm always Sirius."

"I should've expected that. Ugh, I'm remembering why you _always_ get on my nerves."

"Really? How quaint! It's the jealousy, I suppose."

"Jealousy!" Lily snorted, incredulously, "whatever reason would _I_ have to be jealous of _you_."

"I've seen Remus naked."

"That's it!" Lily spluttered, "I'm not listening to this rubbish anymore. And just so you know, I think Remus has terrible taste in guys."

"Me too," nodded Sirius, "his first boyfriend, Longbottom, was a complete twat."

"Frank! But he's going out with Alice!"

"I never did understand bisexuals."

"You're joking, ...right?"

"No, really. I just don't get them. I mean, I'm gay. I'm attracted to the same sex, straighties go for the opposite sex. That I can comprehend. But be-"

"I meant about Frank!" interrupted Lily, "he wasn't really Remus's boyfriend, was he?"

"Would this face lie to you?"

"Yes."

"Good point."

Lily sighed. And as per usual, Sirius grinned. With his grey eyes wide with a mischievous glint and his mouth pointed, - again, wide, his teeth bared and his tongue resting on the roof of his mouth. It was a look, people could rarely carry off. Sirius managed to suavely look both demented and haughtily handsome, naturally.

"Look, Sirius. Just say what you wanted to say in the first place. Please?" Lily placated.

Sirius dropped his smile and feigned both caution and nerves, (though if you looked carefully enough, you could see a hint of a smirk marring his innocent façade). "Don't tell anyone, Lily. I don't want people to find out – not just yet. Okay?"

"I wasn't going to breathe a word. I promised Remus that I -"

"I know, I know. I just wanted to ask you for myself. I mean after all, it's just you, me and Remus that know."

"Right."

"Nobody else. Not even, _James_."

"About that," said Lily, not even noticing Sirius's unsubtle mention and stressing of 'James', "I think you should tell him."

"Why?"

"He's one of your best friends."

"And?"

"He has a right to know!"

"How?"

"Because he's one of your best friends!"

"Now, Lily dearest, that has nothing to do with anything. When you think about it, I should be pissed at him for not noticing something's going on. This may well be the most important thing in my life right now and he isn't observant enough to notice it."

Lily paused, "...oh, Merlin. In some bizarre, insane way, that...well, it kind of made sense to me."

"Evans don't kid about such things. We don't need to tempt faith, with our luck we've probably caused the next apocalypse. It's be raining cats and dogs soon...well, kneazles and grims, anyways."

"We were almost having a proper conversation there. Did you have to ruin it."

"Yes," Sirius smirked.

"I guess you're a lost cause then."

"I guess, but let's get back on topic, shall we?"

"Sure," sighed Lily.

"Now, where were we? Oh, yes! James – me no tell tell." said Sirius, taking it in turn to act out pointing at James, pounding his fist into his chest, wagging his finger and miming talking with his hand.

"He's going to find out sooner or later," said Lily, ignoring his actions.

"Preferably later."

"And he's rather you tell him then finding out at Professor Slughorns Christmas part after you too have a bit too much fun with the mistletoe."

"Why Slughorns party?"

"Random example."

"Like...what?"

"You're just brimmed full of ideas under all that hair, aren't you?"

"What idea!" snarled Lily.

"The one where James finds me and Moony snogging at Slughorns, of course."

"Not a chance. You can't let him find out that way!"

"And, why ever not?"

"It's not fair to him!" And Remus would never go for something like that."

"You think? I've gotta tell you, I have that Remus whipped...literally," winked Sirius, lecherously, "he'll do whatever I tell him to do and he'll damn well like it too!"

"Remus is not like that."

"I think you'll find he is...especially when I threaten no sex for a wekk."

"Oh, whatever Sirius. You still have to tell Ja-Potter."

"You almost said James! He's be so happy...can't I just tell him that instead?"

"You have to tell him."

"No – I – don't."

"You do."

"I don't. I'm not to be held accountable for the fact that he's a complete dolt and hasn't noticed yet! – haven't we been through this already? He should be able to figure out something's going on between his two best friends."

"How would you expect him to figure _that _out!"

"Well, Lily. We are roommates. And Remus and I, well...we are teenage boys, we do act on our urges. Wouldn't you be able to figure out what's going on behind closed curtains?"

"It's not his fault that he's unobservant."

"Unobservant! We've been shagging behind his back for over a year now and he hasn't suspected a thing! ...and why are you suddenly defending the boy?"

"You can't blame him for that Sirius."

"Watch me."

"He will find out, eventually. And it's better for you to tell him, then for him to find out for himself."

"He'll never find out. HE – IS – A – DOLT."

"Oh, he'll find out."

"He won't."

"He will!"

"Won't!"

"Stop being such child! He will!"

"...I wouldn't bet on it."

"Well I would."

"Really now?" smirked Sirius, "...and what would you care to wager?"

"We're not betting, Black."

"Going back on your word, _Evans_?"

"No."

"Then what do you care to wager?"

"Fine," snapped Lily, in a grating voice, "if Potter figures it out before...before Slughorns party, you have to..." Lily smirked, "you have to play nice with Severus. And I mean _play nice_. You have to talk with him, be polite...offer to carry things for him, etc, etc."

"Hah!"

"Take it or leave it, Sirius."

"Fine. I'll take it, but if he doesn't figure it out, you have to ask him to go to Hogsmeade with you. As in, on a date."

"Urrrrrggh! Deal!" said Lily, growling slightly.

"And no funny business, missus. You can't tell him yourself."

"I won't."

"And you can't show him using creative stick-men drawings, either."

"I definitely won't."

"Good. So I guess we're done here."

"Finally."

"You adore me really, Ms. Evans."

"Goodbye, Sirius," said Lily, smiling gently.

"Goodbye, Lily," Sirius said, then turning to look at Remus he whistled, "You there! Upstairs, we need to talk."

And with that Sirius began bounding up the stairs to the dormitories with Remus following closely on his heels. Lily was already lost in the clutches of a group of giggling girls, anxious to find out what Sirius Black could possibly want with _her_. James was still seated in the same position, however, he has a smile now growing on his face.

"You know," he said, grinning to a nearby Peter, "I reckon they're setting up a date for me and Lily."


	5. Oblivious or what?

**I'm so bad at updating, sorry! I like to think of this chapter as filler. Something to do while I was procrastinating studying for an Irish exam. Hmmmm. The next chapter will be up soon...ish. I promise! Review, please!**

"That girl is growing on me."

"I think you'll find she's been growing sufficiently without being _on _you for the last seventeen years," commented Remus, drily as he sat down on the edge of his bed.

"Don't get smart with me, Bucko."

"Bucko?!"

"Well, that is your name. And a rose by any other name wouldn't smell as sweet."

"You're destroying Shakespeare."

"I know," boasted Sirius, "it's a talent."

"Destroying Shakespeare destroys me."

"Oh no!" Sirius mocked, "the end of the world is nigh! How will we ever survive?"

"You won't, I expect. You'll die, writhing in pain on the floor with the knowledge that you brought the end to humanity." retorted Remus, sourly.

"You seem might chipper this evening, Moons my old chum, mighty chipper indeed."

"Actually, _moons_ in two days."

"Ahhhhh! It's nearing the your time of the month, you should've said you were expecting your fluffy friend.

...silent treatment then...

...awkward...

...okay, I'll be nice, I promise. Just stop making feel uncomfortable, you fiend!"

"Fine. What did Lily say?"

"That she wouldn't tell obviously."

"...right. And that's it?"

"Mostly. Oh yeah, and I tricked her into agreeing to that little bet we talked about. Good work, huh?"

"Very good work," acknowledged Remus with an uneasy smile, "hey Sirius?"

"What's up, Pudding?" said Sirius as he sat down beside Remus and entwined their hands together.

"Well, first off no calling me pudding, ever," said Remus, as he traced his lithe pale fingers over the tanned skin of the other boy's hand, "Ever, ever. Not even under the most dire of circumstances. Not even if I'm poised on the brink of death and begging you."

"...poised on the brink of death?" smirked Sirius.

"Secondly," continued Remus, ignoring Sirius, "I think I'm just going to go to bed for awhile, see if maybe I can sleep off feeling like rubbish."

"Okay," said Sirius, with genuine and intense concern, "anything I can do for you? Company?"

"Not this time, just let me rest," murmured Remus and he loosened himself from Sirius's grasp and crawled up to his pillows, "and Sirius?"

"Yeah?"

"Sorry I'm cranky."

"That's okay, 'cause you're my cranky."

"That doesn't make any sense," Remus sighed.

"It makes all the sense it needs to," said Sirius as he stood up, walked up to give Remus a soft kiss on the forehead, "sweet dreams, Remus," he said as he began to leave the dormitory. Sirius, however, got no reply unless the deep breathing of an unconscious to the world teenage lycanthrope counts as a reply. Sirius stood still beside the door and quietly watched the sleeping boy, appreciating the rhythmic rise and fall of his chest and even the occasional, unattractive snort Remus tended to indulge, unintentionally, in while sleeping. He then left the dormitory and silently made his way down to Peter and James.

Upon re-entering the common room, Sirius made for his normal seat near the fire and close to his friends.

"Hello lovers!" he said brightly as he collapsed onto a chair. The other two nodded their heads in greeting and soon all three were engrossed in a game of exploding snap. Peter just watched, naturally. With six games played and five victories to Sirius, they began to grow restless and James began probing Sirius about his conversation with Lily. Peter again just watched, naturally.

"So, what've you been talking to my future wife about?" smiled James, trying to appear nonchalant.

"Oh, this and that really," replied Sirius, "we were thinking up names for her and Moony's were-kids, that sort of thing."

"Very funny," said James.

"Actually, it's quite a serious matter, if you'll pardon the pun, after all, it's not every day Lily asks me to be a godfather."

"Nobody with half a brain would even consider you as a godfather!"

"Stranger things have happened," mused Sirius, "though, I must admit I was rather taken aback. It's quite an honour."

"C'mon, Padfoot! Quit mucking about, just tell me what you were talking about."

"No," Sirius smiled.

"Tell me, you prat!" said James, his temper rising.

"I don't really feel like it," yawned Sirius, as he stretched his arms.

"You are such an arse sometimes, just tell me!!"

"If you're that bothered, why don't you just ask Lily?" taunted Sirius.

"Because I don't fancy being hexed within an inch of my life."

"You should be used to it by now."

"That's hardly the point."

"Right-ho, my lad, but I'm still not going to tell you what we talked about...torture is far too much fun."

"You're a prick."

"True, but I'm a tired prick, so I'm going to go join Remus for a nice, warm nap."

"...do you think there's something between those two?" ventured Peter after the sudden departure of Sirius.

"Which two?" snapped James, moodily.

"Remus and Sirius."

"Don't be a bloody idiot!"

"But Padfoot just said he was–

"Not like that, interrupted James, "buggering Merlin Pete, you'd be a lot smarter if you just kept your mouth shut. I swear, you're such an unbelievable dolt sometimes."

"Remus," said Sirius, half singing, half whispering as he crept towards the boy lying asleep in his bed, "Rrrrrrremusss." Hearing no reply, Sirius simply took off his robes, closed the curtains and clamboured onto the bed to lie beside Remus. He struggled for a while to get close enough to Remus yet avoid the boys sprawling limbs. As soon as he found a semi-comfortable position he began to doze off and the two just lay there, sharing each others warmth until the morning. A few hours later, James and Peter also came into the dormitories to go to bed, bickering with one another as they went to their own beds and failed to notice Sirius's empty bed and Remus's bed with the curtains closed, concealing it's occupants. Oblivious...or what?


	6. There's Something In The Pumpkin Juice

**Yes, I know. It is an insanely short and pointless chapter. D**

The next morning the marauders sat together for breakfast in the Great Hall, as usual. Sirius and Remus began sharing secretive smiles and furtive gazes over the pumpkin juice whilst Peter and James argued over who got to have the last slice of toast. They were disturbed, however, when Lily Evans sat down beside James and began to eat said last slice of toast.

James was enamoured, Remus and Sirius exchanged knowing looks and Peter, well he was just bitter at the loss of food. But don't worry, he soon found some scrambled eggs to quench his unfathomable hunger.

"Morning guys," said Lily in between mouthfuls.

James was speechless, Sirius smirked at Lily's tactics and her immediate response to their bet, Remus murmured a hello as he blushed at the memory of their last meeting and Peter, well he was busy with those eggs, wasn't he?

"You guys really overwhelm me with your friendliness," commented Lily, sarcastically.

"Sorry Evans," croaked James, the normally cocky boy was gobsmacked with Lily's casual demeanour.

"Oh, come on, James! Call me Lily. I mean, we've been at school together for nearly six years now, surely we should be on a first name basis," said Lily, as she flashed James a bright smile.

"Right," stuttered James, "Lily. And six years. Got it." Sirius quirked his head and tried to figure out what Lily was up to, Remus tried to hide a wry grin and Peter, finished with his eggs began to munch upon what food was left on the stunned James's plate.

"So...when's the next quidditch match?" Lily inquired sweetly.

"Ummm, well this Saturday. I mean, well eh. Slytherin and Ravenclaw are playing. On Saturday, that is. The next eh, Gryffindor match is in about eh, two weeks," said James, pulling at the collar of his robes.

"Oh," said Lily, "well, I guess I better get to class. Talk to you guys later. Bye James."

The moment Lily left the hall, James collapsed on the table in front of him with a large sigh of desperation, Sirius burst out laughing, Remus tried to contain himself but the laughter was far too contagious, Peter however, just contemplated how lucky James was that Peter had taken his plate away before he had crashed onto the very last place it had occupied.

"Smooth James, real smooth." Sirius said, still chuckling. He then stood up and began to gather his belongings, "shall we to class, Herr Moony?" he said with a smile.

"We shall, Monsieur Padfoot," said Remus, returning the smile. The two began to follow Lily's footsteps out of the hall leaving James to wallow in his misery and Peter to feast on the leftovers.

"It could've been worse," said James, "I mean, she actually said my name. And she didn't threaten me, not even once."

"She didn't stay long though," said Peter, "and she acted really out of character."

"I'll bet it was Sirius and Remus's doing. I knew they were trying to win her over for me," James continued, ignoring Peter as usual.

"I still think there's something going on between those two," said Peter incoherently through mouthfuls of the last of breakfast, "they have chemistry, you know."

"Lily Evans, said my name...Lily Potter, said my name.

**Yes, yes...I know, I abuse Lily. XD**


	7. Broken Hearts

**How to distract your intense fan base from noticing your current lack of success in continuing with the storyline.**

**Lesson One: Have a completely rubbish filler chapter.**

"I can't figure out her tactics."

"Who's tactics?"

"Lily's, of course," said Sirius as he put his arm around Remus's shoulders. The two had just left the Great Hall and were on their way to their history of magic lesson. They were making the most of the walk together and naturally, were taking a passageway few knew about – few were marauders, after all.

"Ah, yes," replied Remus, "_her_ tactics. That was an interesting stunt."

"Rather genius, don't you think?"

"All she did was put on a friendly face and make nice."

"Exactly! It's the simplicity that amazes me."

"Most simple things do."

"I swear I gain more respect for that girl everyday."

"That's good."

"You're humouring me."

"Just a little."

"I'm telling you the girl is a goddess!" gushed Sirius.

"I understand," replied Remus, suppressing a smile, "and I'm sure James will too, just talk to him first. Give him some time to adjust to the idea and for crying out loud, keep him away from his wand!"

"Okay, I've got two responses. One, what the hell are you talking about and two," smirked Sirius, "which wand?"

"It's not a laughing matter, Sirius. A lot of hearts are going to be broken."

"Don't make me roll my eyes at you. Because I can. I swear it, I can, Moony. I've been practising."

"You should feel very talented," said Remus, apathetically.

"I do," replied Sirius, with a grin.

"Good."

"Good."

By then, the two had reached the end of the corridor, Sirius slowly dragged his arm off of Remus's shoulders and walked over to a nearby portrait. It's occupant was a regal looking woman with a dignified yet arrogant expression. As the two boys approached the portrait it began to rant about the misfit pupils of the school. She was, however, silenced when Sirius uttered the password, "fig leaves" and the portrait swung open to allow the boys exit from the secluded corridor. The two quickly left and soon rejoined the general population of Hogwarts in the crowded halls. The headed for a nearby classroom and there they awaited the arrival of Professor Binns. Peter, James and the rest of the their classmates soon joined them and as can only be expected, chaos ensued. Lives were threatened, rumours were formed, mouths latched on to other mouths – typical class really, dismally dull and followed by an equally dire potions spent listening to the self-absorbed ravings of Professor Slughorn. soon enough it was time for lunch, a lunch Sirius and Remus decided to spend "walking" near the lake...

**Hmmm...tomorrow, if I have at least one review I will put up the next chapter. But it's not going up until I get at least one review, (hint, hint), I'm pesky like that.**


	8. Meddlesome Interruptions

**How to distract your intense fan base from noticing your current lack of success in continuing with the storyline.**

**Lesson Two: Distract with banter and fumbling main characters.**

"Remus?" said Sirius as he lounged on the ice-glittered grass, near the Hogwarts lake.

"Yes?" supplied Remus, in a teasing response. The two boys were freezing in the typical Scottish mid-winter yet completely content to lie in the cold next to each other, lying on their cloaks with their fingers and legs entwined until it was difficult to ascertain whose limbs where who's.

"Will you marry me?"

"Merlin, no!"

"What?! And why not? I'll have you know I'm a hell of a catch. You'd be lucky to have me as a trophy wife."

"You're a hell of a catch _now_, but in just ten short years, you won't look so good. Don't take this the wrong way or anything, but I can already detect some wrinkles...it's one of my werewolf senses, you know."

"I do not have wrinkles!" shrieked Sirius.

"Too mean?" quirked Remus.

"Yeah..." whimpered Sirius, "and completely untrue."

"Don't worry Padfoot, I like you in spite of your flaws."

"Yes well, I don't like this cruel and sadistic streak in you. Save it for the bedroom like a normal person."

"Ah, you mean the dormitory we share with Peter and James."

"Exactly. They need some educating in loving."

"Well, you know me," drawled Remus, "I'm such a devout fan of extracurricular studying."

"Improving the grades of our peers is so satisfying," replied Sirius.

"Indeed. And it's always convenient to get in some practice for ourselves, just so we don't get out of touch."

"I fervently agree," laughed Sirius.

"And I endeavour to please."

"Well, I already knew _that_."

"Of course."

"Moony?" said Sirius, as he grasped at Remus's fingers.

"Yes, Sirius?" Remus acquiesced.

"I've realised how I'm going to get you to marry me!"

"And how is that?" said Remus, as the corners of his mouth twitched into a smile.

"I'm going to get knocked up. Then you're _have_ to marry me," chirped Sirius with a smirk.

"You and your gender issues."

"I mean it."

"Sirius, look – I don't quite know how to phrase this – but, you're a _boy_, allegedly, and boys _can't_ actually get knocked up."

"A potentially problematic situation, I admit. But I'm sure I can find a way around it."

"Aren't you so clever…"

"I'm glad you agree."

"Mind you, it's still not one of your better ideas."

"And why not?! It's completely foolproof."

"I'd say it's proof you're a fool, but I think that sounds a little predictable, wouldn't you agree" murmured Remus, edging as close to Sirius as he possibly could.

"Yes, I would," replied Sirius, "it's still a great plan though."

"Go on then, tell me all the little details of your great plan, how are you going to get yourself pregnant?"

"We're going to have sex, Remus," Sirius declared solemnly.

"That's not exactly a first, now is it? And pardon my ignorance, how will that result in a pregnant you?"

"Because it just will, silly," reprimanded Sirius.

"Oh, well it that case..."

"I'm thrilled that you're finally seeing it from my point of view."

"So...I suppose we should start making babies?..."

"And that is exactly why I adore you, Moonshine. You're always thinking ahead."

"Do you ever shut up Sirius?"

"Sometimes."

"Well then, allow me the pleasure of _shutting _you up."

"I love it when you get like this."

"Sssssssh."

"All domineering and in charge."

"Shush." Remus said, firmly as he grasped for Sirius, putting one hand on the boys neck, allowing the other to roam the boys back and finally, shutting up Sirius for good, (well, for now anyways), he launched his mouth onto Sirius's, fiercely and passionately. And as the two boys where swept away with the fervour of the moment, their lips battling for control and their tongues, seemingly, searching for a map of the others mouth, they failed to notice a young boy – a first year, most likely, approach them. They continued to be oblivious to the boys presence until said boy happened to notice them and subsequently squealed, (in a – it has to be said – rather unmanly fashion). Untangling himself from Remus, Sirius leapt to his feet and stared at the boy accusingly. The boy, clearly numb with shock, attempted to mumble a few words, although very incomprehensibly.

"Repeat," growled Sirius, almost predatorily. The unfortunate boy found his terrified eyes locked with the ferocious, unfaltering glare of the Sirius and for some strange reason found himself forced to acquiesce to whatever the menacing animagus wanted. The boy cleared his throat and repeated himself, a slight bit clearer then before.

"Evans wanted me to give you this," the boy spluttered before he flung a piece of parchment in Sirius's direction and fled. Bending to pick up the parchment, Sirius asked Remus whether on not he should chase the boy and threaten him until he entered an early retirement or at least until he swore not to reveal what he has just witnessed.

"No," replied Remus, "after all, we are trying to be...well, _pushed_ out of the closet, so to speak... rumours will spread."

"I guess," said Sirius, still unsure.

"What's on the parchment?"

"Parchment?"

"From Lily."

"Oh," said Sirius, "right." As he began scanning the parchment, a grin began to emerge at the corner of his lips, "I love that girl."

"What?"

"The boy, us, that - all her."

"How?" said Remus, sceptically.

"It says, 'Hello boys.' Boys she calls us, the nerve. We're men."

"Sirius just read it."

"Calm down dear.

"Padfoot."

"Right, right, flufferbuns. 'Hello boys. How are you two doing? You see I happened to be speaking with James, and he mentioned you two had gone for a walk. Using my fantastic skills of deduction I have taken it upon myself to presume that walking is not all you're doing. Granted, it might be but if you are, that's not a problem. But, if you're not as I highly suspect, my little messenger boy might get a little surprise. You know how rumours will start. And, this won't constitute as me telling James, now will it. Hope you're enjoying your walk. – Lily.' "

"She's devious."

"And so subtly unsubtle."

"And devious."

"And genius, don't forget genius."

"Wouldn't dare."

"If only she knew we were out deviousing her."

"Not a word."

"Not important," said Sirius, carelessly, "now, where were we?"

**Hey you! Get off my cloud. And well, if you get the chance REVIEW.**

**...purrrrrr...**


	9. Slytherin Soup

**Daisy, daisy, give me your answer, do...**

By that evening, the rumoured snog between two of the marauders had been heard by all, although, many different versions were speculated about. For example, in one adaptation of the tale, Remus and Sirius were naked, (though maybe, that's just wistful thinking), in another, the Giant Squid was holding them at gunpoint, (or, should it be wandpoint?). The rumours ranged from the truth, to the ridiculous, to the insanely far-fetched. The gist of the story, however, remained the same. Remus Lupin, the quiet, unassuming bookworm and Sirius Black, the loud-mouthed prankster were playing tonsil quidditch.

At dinnertime, the Great Hall was flooded with people and buzzing with chatter about _you-know-what_. Over at the Gryffindor table sat all the marauders, as usual. Sirius and Remus were casually ignoring all talk about them and Peter and James, well they were trying to appear equally nonchalant. _Trying_.

"...all I want is a minor mass massacre, that's not exactly asking for much! C'mon Moony, please? For me?!"

"No! I'm sorry, but I'm actually _not_ going to break into the Slytherin common room during the full moon and slaughter everybody by slowly gnawing on their vile flesh until I hit bone."

"But why not?!" pouted Sirius, "it would mean so much to me."

"The taste would unbearable," replied Remus, factually, "and my mouth would never be clean again."

"Well we wouldn't want that, would we?" said Sirius, winking suggestively, "but still, James don't you think Remus should eat the Slytherins?"

"Me? What? I uh, yeah. Yeah, he uh, should." croaked James.

"You alright there mate?" said Sirius, amused.

"Fine," said James, in a high pitched tone, "fine, fine, fine, fine, fine."

"So you're fine then?" smirked Sirius.

"Absolutely" said James as he let out a nervous giggle.

"If you say so, personally I think you're just a little slow today. Strange really, normally that's Peter's jurisdiction, right Remus?"

"Peter always was a little slower then the rest of us," mused Remus, "I think it's his short little legs. But, look at him! He almost looks happier then James did when Lily said she wouldn't marry him in a hundred years."

"I remember that," replied Sirius, fondly, "James spent ages searching for ways to make himself immortal."

"If Dumbledore has any decency he would've given me the philosopher's stone," muttered James, moodily.

"Right and Moony should've hunted you down a unicorn...but, why _are_ you sporting an orgasm face, Pete?"

"I was right." grinned Peter.

"You were right?" said Remus, bemused.

"I was right."

"Ah." said Remus.

"That'll do it," said Sirius.

"Indeed," nodded Remus, "but what where you right about?"

"You two?" replied Peter complacently, still grinning.

"Us two?" said Sirius, feigning innocence and hiding surprise. But before Peter had the opportunity to reply the boys were interrupted by the drawling, nasal voice of one Severus Snape.

"Well, well, well...Hogwarts resident homosexuals. I'm surprised you two aren't at it like a pair of rampant _dogs_ in that filthy common room of yours. Oh," continued Snape, snidely, "I forgot, you're quite the exhibitionists, you'd prefer the professor's table."

"So that's why your nose is drooping today, Snivels," replied Sirius, "you're disappointed. You were hoping for dinner and a _show_. Okay, pay up Remus.He said it wasn't your fault that your nose resembles an elephant's backside."

"I wouldn't be surprised if you were all involved in this," sneered Snape, "brings a whole new meaning to the infamous Gryffindor foursome."

"We are not a foursome!" shrieked James, gaining the attention of everyone in the great hall and while the masses stared, James continued his screeching, "we're not shirtlifters! None of us! This is just a rumour. A ridiculous rumour probably started by you Snape," James then quietened down a bit but continued to rave on, "just a ridiculous rumour...and a ridiculous idea of Pete's...Peter can't be right, you know...and those two can't be gay, they can't..." And with that, James stood up from the table, turned and left the great hall – looking utterly dejected.

Sirius and Remus exchanged despairing glances and looked equally dejected. Peter seemed to be caught in a in internal battle, he was torn between the thrill of believing he was right about something and the knowledge that his idol, his hero was out the somewhere, sulking and possibly lost without the comforts of his Wormtail. He was probably wandering the corridors all melancholy like as if he has lost the will to leave. I presume we all know which side of Peter's inner debate was victorious, he did eventually scamper off to find James. Snape, meanwhile, decided, (wisely), that this would be a good time to return to his table. And everybody else resumed their gossip. Leaving Sirius and Remus to their own devices.

With the others gone, Sirius and Remus edged close to each other and begun to discuss what had just happened.

"That was unexpected," exclaimed Sirius.

"Not quite the reaction we were hoping for," replied Remus, smiling wryly.

"I mean, I knew he'd be shocked but, I didn't think that he would...I didn't think that James...well, I didn't think he was like _that_."

"You mean...so...homophobic?"

"Yeah..." said Sirius, mournfully.

"I don't think he is."

"Moony, didn't you hear him? Didn't you see him?"

"Yes, but...I don't think it was because of _that_."

"Then what?"

"Maybe he's just shocked, maybe he still needs some convincing – a confrontation with the truth. I mean, maybe he thought he was defending us because he believes that we are straight...or something..."

"Maybe, maybe, maybe...but what if you're wrong."

"Well then, may god us all." declared Remus dramatically, earning himself a raised eyebrow and a confused look from Sirius.

"Humour," murmured Remus.

"Oh."

"...well, I tried." sighed Remus, this time earning a grin from Sirius as he continued, "now let's go concoct one of our devious plans to get to James and either convince him or break all his limbs."

"Can we also concoct a plan to beat up Snape?" said Sirius, hopefully.

"Yes."

"And a plan to blame it all on that little kid who caught us kissing if it all goes wrong?"

"That would just be mean."

"Please?"

"...maybe."

**I'm half crazy, all for the love of you!  
It won't be a stylish marriage, I can't afford a carriage.  
But you'll look sweet, upon the seat, of a bicycle built for two.**

**A bicyle built for _review?!_**


	10. Threesome Fantasies

"So, " said Sirius, "what's the masterplan then?"

"Well, I don't know, do I?" replied Remus, "not quite a situation I had anticipated for...besides isn't it about time you took a turn at coming up with the plot?"

Sirius merely shrugged his shoulders and grunted in reply. The two were aimlessly strolling down various corridors in attempts to prolong the time they had before they were required to return to the Gryffindor tower and before they had to confront James. Of course they were often distracted from their deep, contemplative ponderings, (well not that deep or contemplative, this is Sirius we're talking about), by the interruptions from other students who happened to be prowling the corridors too. They encountered encouraging winks, lecherous leers, numerous, "go on! SNOG!"'s and unfortunately, but rather expectedly, they received their fair share of derogatory comments. Which, I'm proud to say, they didn't rise to. Although, that might have more to do with a, 'what are we going to do about James' thing then a 'we're not going to stoop to your level' thing.

"Maybe we should just confront him," suggested Remus, determined, "no plan, no scheme, nothing."

"Good plan, well, good _lack_ of plan."

"Could you expect less from a genius?"

"Very true, my good wolf!"

"So, to the common room then?" enquired Remus.

"Lead the way, genius," replied Sirius, gesturing for Remus to go onwards.

And with that, the two finally stopped their mindless wandering and worry and headed for the Gryffindor tower in silence, each nervous about the approaching confrontation. After a short while they reached the Fat Lady and bucking up their courage they offered forth the password and made their entrance. The common room was stocked full of people, of all whom gaped at the two boys, excepting Lily who merely gave them an encouraging smile. However, there was a convenient lack of James's presence.

"Must be up in the dorms," said Sirius, indicating his head towards the stairway leading to their dormitory. Remus inclined his head in agreement and the two began their steady ascent up the stairs. After they reached the door serving an entrance to their rooms, both boys took a deep breath before taking the final step of opening the door and physically entering the rooms.

"James?" enquired Sirius gently, peering inside the room.

"Over here," replied James, softly. He was sitting at the end of his bed, legs folded and hugging his knees, "what's up fellas?" he choked out with fake levity.

"We think, that is Padders and I think, we need to talk," said Remus.

"Oh," said James, looking affronted, "you guys wanna talk. Guess you want me to give you some privacy, huh?"

"What?" said Sirius, "no, you dolt! We want to talk with _you_. Way to be clear Moony, aren't you supposed to be the clear, precise intellectual one?"

"Depends on the audience," replied Remus, wryly, "why waste my intellectualism on dunderheads."

"Right," interrupted James, "us three. Funny really, I thought you meant the two of you wanted to be alone, like together. Alone together. I never really got that, weird phrase, you'll have to explain it to me one day Moony. And I mean, there was me jumping to conclusions, why would you guys want to be alone _together_ for anyways?"

"Probably because we're dating."

"Sirius!" exclaimed Remus.

"What? We were telling him weren't we? No point in beating around the bush, especially when we're not that way inclined and all. Plus, he was digressing into rambling. Only I can ramble with the necessary skill, Remus, you know that. It's a fine art."

"James?" said Remus, in a soft tone and ignoring Sirius with a sort of experienced professionalism, "are you okay? With _this_, I mean..."

"Admittedly, it's kind of weird," uttered James.

"Us being gay?" asked Sirius.

"No, that I kinda had already guessed with you, Pads, you seemed too interested in my cousin Will for it just to be platonic affections. And Remus, well, no massive shock there. What's weird is just, you two, together. Why didn't you tell me?"

"Scared," whispered Sirius, positively elated by James's expressed sentiments, "I wasn't that obvious about Will, was I?" continued Sirius, gaining confidence and volume.

"Just a little mate," smiled James, "not that him or me noticed, but my mum pretty much had it sussed, told me to look out for you."

"Hah!" exclaimed Sirius, "perceptive woman that mother of yours," then turning to regard Remus he said, "that was during my – Moony will never love me stage – boy, was that depressing," addressing James again he continued, "I almost took a turn at fancying you," he mused, earning himself a spluttering attack from James."

"Well luckily, I worked my wolfish charms on him before it was too late," interjected Remus, wistfully.

"You worked your charms? You've got to be kidding, I did ALL the wooing, Mister."

"Gotta say, I siding with the Moonster on this one, Sirius, mate." Laughed James, " I can just picture it now."

"Listen to Prongs, he is wise beyond his years," winked Remus, "so," he continued, addressing James, "we're okay, yes? And this," he said, indicating himself and Sirius, "is okay?"

"Better than okay."

"Gosh James!, if I knew you were so open-minded I probably would have took a turn at fancying you," said Sirius, earning himself a slap on the back of the head from Remus.

"Sorry guys, the only one for me is Lily Evans and the sooner you accept that, the sooner this threesome fantasy of yours will dissipate and we can get on with our lives and our friendship can remain untainted."

"It's not our fault we want you so bad," said Remus, keeping a straight face.

"I believe you," said James, "honestly, I understand, I'm irresistible to all but my dear Missus Evans. Speaking of the beautiful creature herself, what were you guys talking to her about and why, oh why, did _Peter _of all people, figure it out about you two before me?"

"Well..." began Sirius.

**Wow. Well, that was anticlimactic. Hmmmm. Second last chapter, I believe, next one will just be tying up loose ends with Lily and the bet and the likes. Sorry this took so LONG. Just between moving house and having no internet access it sort of just lingered on paper...instead of finding itself updated. Muchos apologies! And thanks to all reviewers! I think from now on, I'm going to stick to oneshots, more entertaining to write and less guilt for being slow with their presentation.**

**...review, yeah? I'd bribe you but, well. That would be wrong. Toodle pips for now, and remember, gadzooks, farsooth and lackaday!**


	11. Young Love

**Long time no update.**

**My bad.**** And '****pologies**

"So..." began James, "you're telling me there's a chance that Lily will go out with me?"

"No," snorted Sirius, "we're telling you that there _was_ a chance that Lily _would've _- not of her own volition, mind -gone out with you, but you ruined it by finding out about me and the Moonster."

"Can't we just act like I'm still in the dark about your torrid affair?" pleaded James.

"And who would believe you?" said Remus, amused, "I mean yes you're pretty oblivious, obviously but nobody, especially someone as smart as Lily, is going to believe that you're _that _oblivious."

"Then again," interjected Sirius, "she does think he's a right dolt."

"Exactly!" exclaimed James.

"And," continued Sirius, "he is our very bestest mate and people know he'd trust our word over Great Hall gossip anyways."

"Lily would never believe that."

"Shut up Remus!" said James, vehemently, "let the man talk."

"My gratitude's, Prongs," related Sirius inclining his head towards James and directing a mock glare to Remus at the interruption. "As I was saying, people are liable to believe that James here, is perfectly willing to bask in ignorance when it comes to his two bestest chums intentions towards each other. Ergo, we take advantage of that fact, admittedly yes, there are a few flaws, chiefly, everyone will think James is a plonker – even if we are is bestest buds, but on the bright side, he will get his date."

"Firstly, stop saying bestest, secondly, Lily will either not believe us or think of James as an even bigger idiot then before and as someone who is certainly isn't worth her time."

"That's not what matters!" exclaimed James.

"I digress," stated Remus, "perhaps he is already idiot enough for this to work."

"It's not what matters," continued James, ignoring Remus, "Lily's what matters. Lily on a date, with me, is what matters."

"So it doesn't matter what she thinks of you?" uttered Remus, sardonically.

"No!" bellowed James, "well, yes. But not originally. I mean it will, after a while, after the date and in the future but not right now. What matters now is getting her on that date with me and giving me the opportunity to change what she thinks of me."

"Fine," sighed Remus, in surrender, "then go find Pete, be an oblivious dolt, threaten people for spreading rumours about your friends, be nonchalant, whatever but make sure people don't think you know or believe that there's something between us. But don't come off homophobic, Lily won't like that. Ensure everyone knows that you wouldn't mind if we were together, but we're not so it makes no odds to you or well, something anyways."

"Yes, sir!" stated James, enthusiastically giving Remus a sharp salute.

The boys sat quietly together for a while then before Sirius ventured, "James?"

"Yeah?" was the smiled reply from the blissed-up boy.

"I believe when Remus said 'go find Peter' he meant go find Peter, _now_, while we stay here. Alone."

"Oh," said James, "you two, want to, ummm, you know, you want to uhhh."

"Yes," said Remus, simply.

"Precisely" said Sirius, "and unless you want to join in our canoodling, form a threesome and abandon this Lily folly of yours..."

"I'll just be off then," drawled James as he got up to leave.

"Pity," said Sirius, his voice heavy with sarcasm. And with that James exited the dorm, leaving the other two to their own devices.

"The sooner those two get together, the better," said Sirius, earnestly, "Honestly, if only Lily would give up teasing him and give in."

"If only James would give up his redundant ways to try and impress her."

"If only Lily wasn't such a stiff"

"If only James would be more mature."

"If only Lily would have a little fun for once!"

"If only James would stop having such an excess of fun."

"If only Lily wasn't so hopelessly in love with you."

"If only James wasn't so hopelessly in love with you."

"If only Peter wasn't so hopelessly in love with James."

"What does Peter have to do with any of this?"

"Nothing. Ah," said Sirius before sighing wistfully and then continuing, "young love."

**I'm a bad person. Not only are my stories idle and heavily bad ramblings from an unorganised mind but I also tend to neglect updating them. Oh well. Anyways, I know in the previous chapter I said this was the final chapter, but the original version of it that I wrote, I happened to misplace so this is Chapter 11 Mark II and evidently not the final chapter. I am most apologetic and I'll do my darnedest not to wait an absolute eternity before remembering to update again. ****If however, you are a rather peculiar person who likes the not-quite cavalier and highly ridiculous drivel I spew forth, do of course feel free to go read&&review the two new one-shots I'****m also uploading this evening. ****Wink. ;D**


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